It's been one year since I can buy porn

J: It's been one year since I've been able to buy porn.

Z: and cigarettes.

P: Have you bought any?

J: What, cigarettes? Yeah. (pulls out half-finished cigar from pocket, smells it, then places tip lightly between tongue and upper lip, as if tasting, afterwards moving jaw as if chewing. shrugs)

P: No, I mean Porn.

J: Oh, Porn. Well, no, I mean I can just get that free off the internet.

Nervous glances.

(Introducing) Lucas: In Dey Ase!

Z: Well, whatever, you guys are wimps, I don't need porn.

J: You don't masturbate? Everybody masturbates! Even girls masturbate!

P, L: (Nervous glances)

Z: Well, what everybody needs, I have no trouble getting. Why buy porn when you can have the real thing? (+7 wittiness and crudeness when acted out)

P: Anyway, happy birthday man...I'm sure you're enjoying it, one way or the other.

J: See, that's the thing. Nothing's changed. Legality is a non-issue, I've had cigarettes since I was 5, and porn? I mean, I'm not buying it now, and I never did. Here's a milestone in a life. A milestone on a long uninteresting jog is still a rock placed 5280 feet from some other rock on the road. You can even try to turn it over, to see if there's anything cool underneath, but it's probably better to just keep going so you don't ruin your mile pace. Think our proctor stopped to commemorate his 19th mile on the marathon today? No, he was probably thinking, this powergel shit is sticking to my throat, I have 7 more miles to go, my knees hurt, and there's nothing I want more right now than to have that silly-looking old fucker in front of me throw out his osteoperotic hip and start crying so I can pass him and laugh like he passed me after the 3rd mile. Maybe I'll step on his shins by accident too.

inner voice: perhaps N isn't nearly as bitter as you are about senior citizens finishing ahead of you in road races.

other inner voice: I'd still like to break that guy's legs, wherever he is now. I'm on the goddamn cross country team! I'm young! I'm virile! Why can't I just run a 5 minu--

Z: I'll get you some strippers to celebrate.

J: Nah, forget it. Either get me some whores, or I'll just get drunk tonight.

P: Ummm, guys? Let's not leave the wine bottle in the recycling bin in plain sight, alright? I just feel that this is not the optimazizzle thing to do.

Z: Well, you know, you ARE one year closer to when you'll be able to drink copiously without having to think about pretending to have a guilty conscience.

J: Wow, you're right. I think maybe that's what adulthood feels like.